I'm An Asshole

I have been told that I'm too nice. I have also been told that I seem to put myself in situations where I should know things aren't going to turn out well for me because of the people I'm in those situations with, and that I seem to do it anyway because of somewhat of a superhero complex, or that I have hopes that there will be a positive outcome, and that my faith in humanity, or people being decent, honest, communicative people, will prevail. I have been proven wrong, far too many times.

I have as a result of recent disappointments started deleting people from my social media today. I did this quietly, as in I didn't reach out to any of them to try to repair or salvage friendships as I usually would. I did this for all but one person... I was curious, so I conducted a social experiment. Before I get to explaining what that was, here is the backstory...

This woman, who for the sake of this blog I'll call Kay, added me to Facebook several months ago. I came across Kay on Tinder (which I've since deleted - fuck that bullshit), and realized that we had met about 15 years ago at a bar in Barrie where we both lived before moving to Toronto. I noticed that we had many mutual friends so I bypassed Tinder and messaged her on Facebook, awkwardly, but politely. The result of that conversation was her adding me, saying that she remembered me, that the message put a huge smile on her face, and that she would love to grab a drink and challenge me to some board games. Seems great, right? As it turned out, Kay was very busy, as a lot of people are these days, so I didn't expect that we would get together any time soon. For several months I would periodically drop her a line and ask if she was free, to which she always had something pop up. She did say she wanted to, so I believed her. Then I started to notice in my newsfeed that she would keep posting status updates about wanting someone to take her out for drinks somewhere cool. I would comment on these posts, and she would "like" my comments, but then not respond to a polite and direct message about being free for a drink. It just so happens that I also very recently came across her profile on a dating site (OKCupid - which I should delete, because it's just more fucking bullshit) on which she advertises herself as wanting to meet fun people for drinks and flirtation. I even messaged her there saying "So, board game challenge and drinks, do you accept?" to which there was no response.

On to the social experiment... I was deleting her already, but I decided that I would send her a message at the same time anyway. In her dating profile, she sold herself as someone who was genuine and honest, and in no way fake. The message I sent her was along the lines of "Hello Kay, I'm not sure I know what I did that has resulted in you not responding to me, but if you didn't want to get that drink any longer, the genuine thing to do would have been to just tell me straight up." and she became LIVID, going on a tirade about how busy she is and never has time to do anything (meanwhile her status updates seem to have her out about 3 nights a week at different bars around the city), and didn't appreciate being accused of being fake. She accused me of being a stalker for noticing her status updates, to which I pointed out that I deleted her and was in no way a stalker, to which she attacked my character saying "goes to show what kind of person you are that you'd delete me instead of remaining friends"... Really? I mean, we were ever friends? Maybe she wasn't intentionally misleading me, or enjoying the attention of someone periodically asking her out that she could put off because she was way too "busy with work" but going out on dates. She immediately went on to contradict herself saying "I've been putting my energy into someone I've been seeing, and dating other people wouldn't feel right," following it up with "I'm single and I want to connect with different people, and I am in no way going to be apologetic for that"... Yet, she attacked my character? Would she have wanted to be friends with me after all of that anyway? Not fucking likely. Was I an asshole for deleting her and simultaneously sending that message? Sure, a little bit, I didn't actually care either way, and would have been open to talking about it maturely had she said "You know what, I was being misleading, it was a dick move" (which didn't happen, clearly), but I was mostly curious what would happen, and in a "no fucks given" mood, and discovered what I had expected anyway, which I pointed out in the last thing I said to her, which was this... It's funny to me, that for all of the times I respectfully and politely checked in with her to do something she said she wanted to do, reconnect with me and have my company, which she was too busy to even respond with a few simple words, that the only way I actually got her attention (and boy did I ever get her attention, she typed a fuck-load) was by being a bit of an asshole. I don't need people in my life who will only pay attention to me if I'm an asshole, nor do I desire to be in the lives of people who are that toxic. Or, maybe I'm just an asshole...

We're Very Likely Fucked Either Way

I have decided to post this as a response to posts I came across on Facebook today, that has been a topic of several discussions I've had over the last several years, as well as being the subject of a debate I did in high school many moons ago, about drug and product testing on criminals rather than animals. Anyway, I did some legitimate research on the internet to acquire the approximate facts before writing it up... It's something I wanted to film as a semi-comedic youtube commercial. If it offends anyone, I recommend chilling-the-fuck-out.

Forgive the format (script writing types), it's the best I could do converting Final Draft to Blogger.

INT. A ROOM OF SOME SORT 

Two men sitting side by side, somewhat apart, half-turned to each other, facing the camera. 

MICHAEL 

I would like to talk with you about drugs. 

NIGEL 

(excitedly) 

I’m listening! 

MICHAEL 

The non-recreational type.

NIGEL 

(less enthusiastic) 

Oh...

MICHAEL 

If you will, consider just for a 

moment the following proposal...

NIGEL 

Please, continue...

MICHAEL 

First, bear in mind... According to 

leading drug researchers, 

approximately 92 of 100 drugs that 

pass animal trials fail during the 

human clinical trial phase.

NIGEL 

For real!?

MICHAEL 

Yes. This massive failure rate is 

typical for animal experiments, 

because even though animals feel 

pain and suffer like we do, they... 

Would you care to guess?

NIGEL 

Their systems often react 

completely differently to drugs and 

diseases than a human’s would? 

MICHAEL 

Precisely.

NIGEL 

Makes sense to me.

MICHAEL 

Secondly, it’s estimated that the 

cost of research and development 

for launching one single drug is 

somewhere in the area of eight- 

hundred million dollars.

NIGEL 

What!?

MICHAEL 

I know, right?

NIGEL 

How many new drugs are launched in a year?

MICHAEL 

A little over 100 thus far in 2014.

NIGEL 

Over eighty billion dollars!?

MICHAEL 

With a 92% failure rate.

NIGEL 

That’s an appalling, almost 

criminal waste of money!

MICHAEL 

Segueing to a third note, totally 

unrelated to drugs and the 

development thereof, is this... A 

single criminal in a maximum 

security prison costs taxpayers 

upwards of two-hundred thousand 

dollars per year, and in 2013 the 

federal prison system’s expenses 

landed somewhere around 2.7 billion 

dollars, with expectations of 

surpassing those numbers in 2014.

NIGEL 

Are you suggesting what I think 

you’re suggesting?

MICHAEL 

Free ice-cream Fridays?

NIGEL 

Yes!

MICHAEL 

No, sorry.

NIGEL 

Damn...

MICHAEL 

What I’m asking is, why test drugs 

and other products on animals when 

the world is overpopulated with so 

many useless humans?

NIGEL 

Don’t all humans, even the useless 

ones, have rights?

MICHAEL 

Sadly, yes. Criminals can take away 

the rights of others, making 

victims of the family and friends 

of the innocent lives they violate, 

and go on to live healthier, and 

more comfortable lives than many 

upstanding, hardworking taxpayers.

NIGEL 

That’s not fair!

MICHAEL 

No, especially when cost of 

maintaining violent criminals in 

overcrowded jails is so high, and 

could easily be privatized by drug 

research and development companies 

who needlessly waste billions of 

dollars on animal trials that fail 

in the human clinical trial phase.

NIGEL 

As you previously stated.

MICHAEL 

Reiteration is important.

NIGEL 

So, you think drug and product 

testing should be done on humans? 

MICHAEL 

Listen, if what you’re making is 

for animals, loyal and loving 

companions to humans, then test 

those on animals, but if you’re 

working on anything for humans, use 

humans. They did it during the Cold 

War, and look at the advancements 

that came from that!

NIGEL 

That would save a lot of animals!

MICHAEL 

Yes, more pets, or food, whatever 

your heart desires.

NIGEL 

Animals are delicious...

MICHAEL 

Yes, and criminals are vicious.

NIGEL 

Imagine what could be done with the 

billions of dollars saved!

MICHAEL 

Yes, think for the sake of society.

NIGEL 

So, murders, pedophiles, mimes?

MICHAEL 

What good are they doing us?

NIGEL 

Do you really think it could work?

MICHAEL 

Honestly? If they cut up their 

brains, maybe they’ll find ways to 

detect and cure those kinds of behaviors?

NIGEL 

That’s, disturbing. 

MICHAEL 

Worse than that, in the long run my 

friend, the spike in efficient drug 

testing will likely result in 

humans living beyond their expected 

years, increasing the world 

population to where we can no 

longer sustain ourselves. Supply 

verses demand, it’s simple math, 

and already a global concern anyway.

NIGEL 

So???

MICHAEL 

We’re fucked either way.

NIGEL 

Oh...

Both men ponderously look away with slight concern... 

Comments? I'd like to hear them... Really.

It's Always Too Early To Tell

I've been feeling that great things are on the horizon for me in 2015, that the plans I was setting in motion were going to come to fruition, and that everything else that seemed to be happening so quickly and unexpectedly was all going to work out for the best. I've been feeling this way for the last few months of 2014. The problem that comes with these feelings, is that nagging "what if it doesn't?" doubt monster who lurks in the dark crevasses of the mind... FUCK YOU DOUBT MONSTER!

It's a fact, that it's always too early to tell if something that seems certain is in actuality going to manifest into reality, and if it does, that it will even last. After all, anything can happen, right? That being life, a lot of unexpected life re-evaluation prompting events did occur in 2014... I lost a troubled, but good friend. The health of my father was in a very concerning state. My mother was devastated by the loss of her boyfriend, a man who was nothing but kind and giving to myself and many people in my life. My brother and sister-in-law were also under tremendous amounts of stress, and almost lost their soon to be born second child. My own health even took a nasty blow as the asthma I once had as a child resurfaced with a vengeance. It was a physically and emotionally taxing year. Through it all, I have tried to remain positive, looking at that life glass and not thinking it was half empty, or half full, but that there was room for more, and that maybe I shouldn't put all of my water into one glass...

I sit here now awaiting a very late response regarding further truck driving training with one of two film companies that said they would very likely have work for me starting in March or April (having acquired my truck - plus additional classifications - driving license, staying ahead on the path with personal goals I set for my life plan), and am simultaneously contemplating the complexities of human behavior with regards to relationships. It seems as though I keep finding myself in situations where people develop expectations of me to be kind and understanding (as is my nature) at their convenience, without consideration of my own feelings. I feel like this pattern is soon to change in 2015 as well, not because I'm going to change who I am, but because I'm really starting to recognize the taker mentality in people, and won't stand for anything less than at least somewhat reciprocal friendship anymore. So there is that, there is the two highly potential job avenues to further my life goals, there is the moving of apartments soon to be taking place that will greatly improve my health and creative spirit, and the improving well-being of family and friends that I am feeling good about for 2015... Yes, it is still all too early to tell, but I am hoping for the best, not just for myself, but for all of you too.

<3

p.s. To my friends that I see frequently, and sometimes only rarely, I fucking love you all.

Paint Yourself A Picture

Imagine if you will, being asked to stand outside every day for a year to paint a picture of the life you wish to have for yourself. If you desire so make it five, or ten years, make it a life time if you feel that what you want will evolve as the world changes around you. Now, let me ask you this... Do you think that the conditions of each day will be ideal for painting? The reality of the matter is that you may be painting a majority of this picture in a storm. This is life. It will almost never be how you see it, but if you keep painting with the wind in your eyes, and grit on your canvas, believing in your heart that what you're putting out there is beautiful, picture after picture, then how it looks in the end doesn't matter, as long as you keeping doing what you're doing with passion.

"When we are born, we cry that we are come. To this great stage of fools." - King Lear

I've cried all sorts of tears. It takes but nothing to cry, it's natural. I was born more or less the same as all of you, screaming and crying, no doubt for being thrust from the womb all slathered in blood and fluids, cold and naked, into this cruel and unusual world. Oh yes, it is true, the world is cruel and unusual. Further more, it is also true that it takes nothing to cry but the will to let it happen when we feel emotional.

I will, in as short a way possible, share an emotional tale as true as the sky is below our feet when we dream. On February 14th, 2014, a day known by most as Valentine's Day, I found a movie ticket stub in the inside breast pocket of a coat I was wearing at work. The peculiar thing about this ticket stub was that it was from a movie I saw exactly two years earlier to the day, February 14th, 2012, with a very significant ex-girlfriend, the day she told me she loved me for the first time... Without getting into her backstory, or rather our backstory, the gravity of those words was tremendous to say the least. I was floating on them, until it all came crashing down. I had cried like a fool over her, but I did not cry when I found the ticket stub. I stared at it pensively, and laughed a little. Why cry anymore over her? A year after we broke up she put me in a position to cheat on my next girlfriend, then essentially ended our friendship of four plus years (a quarter through which we dated), more or less because things didn't go her way. They didn't go my way either, really. I get that all is fair and love and war, but she tried to put it all on me, the - whatever... I was happy, and I ended up being happy again with someone else (that's a story for another time), but finding that ticket really made me think about love, and what I expect to get out of the insanity of it. I'm single now. I'm not entirely lonely however, I'll say that much. I think this is a good thing... My life is changing, as it tends to do, and as it has before, love will find it's way to me when I'm doing the things that I love.

I have an old movie ticket stub to burn. Goodnight...

It's Coming Together

I've been a busy body lately, and it's looking like this is going to become the trend... Lots of work, lots of social activity, and that's the way I like it. I just worked an entire two episodes while battling sickness (that almost got the best of me) and now that the show I was on is done, I have a few days to relax before getting back to it, working on a film project in Niagara Falls for the month of October, where I will be put up in a hotel with a pool, gym, and wifi (so I can play GTA V online with my bro once in a while). I'm looking forward to the experience, as it will be somewhat of a mini-vacation, and because I will be surrounded by some cool people! Having said that, I'm also looking forward to November, as something I've been wanting is finally coming together... Instead of moving out of my apartment to find something with a suitable workspace, I'm slightly increasing my current rent and taking over a larger room in the house, so that I can have a live/work space separate from one another in the same house! I lost a set-up very similar to this at this very time last year, and now I'm getting it back! Oh yeah!

:D

You can now go back to whatever it was you were doing. Thanks for stopping by!

I've been thinking a lot lately... You might have smelt something burning.

What are the things that matter to us most that we owe it to ourselves to strive for through the rest of our limited days on this massive yet miniscule rock floating in endless space? Hope is one thing. No matter how bleak things may be at any given moment in anyone's life anywhere across the world (some areas vastly more than others) I think we all want to hope for the best, because without hope why would we even bother to wake up and get out of bed in the morning? Though I prepare myself for the worst, I usually hope for the best in all situations, and not just for the benefit of myself. Speaking about myself though, two things that I personally desire, are a career that presents the freedom to have a creative space in which I can work on projects that I am passionate about, and a relationship with someone that compliments my personality, with whom I can share my passions. So I want these things, and hope for them... By doing this I might just get lucky, but if I go one step further and take action, my chances will improve. Where do I start though? What is the process for achieving such feats? How are we supposed to compete with every other individual on the planet with their mind's set on the same prize?

It's simple... We take a chance.

I've taken many chances and I've come pretty far I'm proud to say. I've been achieving personal goals, and am continuing to pursue greater challenges... It requires a lot of hard work, and difficult things like self motivation, pain, and struggle. A flexible plan is also useful. I have one of those, and I'm following it. It's somewhat terrifying because there is absolutely no certainty for success, but I have hope, and I'm taking that chance... At the moment work is steady, plans are falling into place, and I'm feeling confident. Now I just need my own place with a work room. It's close to happening, again. Yes, again... This time last year, amongst many things, I was turning half of my apartment in to an animation studio, I had gone from being happy with myself, to being happy in a relationship, I even jumped out of a fucking plane, and everything was looking great. Then, as the nature of things do, they changed. It was a difficult time for me. I would say I lost a little more than my way for a while for some time following that, but I'm back at it now. I'm going to have that ideal living situation sorted out, and eventually I'll have the relationship thing going well too. Until then, it's back to being happy on my own. At least that is what I tell myself... To be honest, once you're in a relationship you enjoy, you miss it when it's gone. I've only ever had two serious relationships in my life that I actually enjoyed in the sense that I was truly sad that they came to an end. They took place over the last two years, one after the other, the first ended mutually and amicably, and then fell apart because of the development of the second relationship, which I put an end to very recently because all of the compromise and expectations were falling on me and not on my partner... I was very happy, and had elements of what I wanted from a partner in both of those relationships, but neither it would seem were meant to last. So, what have I not been doing to find the right partner? I have thought a lot about this... I've come to the conclusion that I haven't really been doing anything wrong, except for maybe not listening to my friends when they give me warnings... I've followed the plan, I've taken chances, and I've had some experiences I will never forget, both ups and downs. I'm looking forward to having more...

Anyone reading this... I urge you to formulate a plan, and wish you luck with setting it in motion.

<3